the tolerant mind

i was at a loss as to what to write when Letz suggested to me perhaps i should write about tolerance and what it entails. well tolerance is such a big word but i doubt whether its definition embraces the broad range of skills we need in order to live together peacefully. well, that is what tolerance basically means.

In its Declaration on the Principles of Tolerance, UNESCO offers a definition of tolerance that most closely matches our philosophical use of the word:

Tolerance is respect, acceptance and appreciation of the rich diversity of our world's cultures, our forms of expression and ways of being human. Tolerance is harmony in difference.

We view tolerance as a way of thinking and feeling — but most importantly, of acting — that gives us peace in our individuality, respect for those unlike us, the wisdom to discern humane values and the courage to act upon them.

Now thats more like it. it encompasses such a wide spectrum that tolerance should be written in capitals and in bold and then engraved onto everybody's minds. what touched me most is the word respect. respect manages to make itself known as an important ingredient in every aspect of human relationships. somehow there is nothing without mutual respect for each other. big, small, tall, short, black, white, poor, rich, ugly, beautiful and all the other various opposites of the world can do well in their lives with a dose of respect from each other. once respect is there, the tolerance will automatically arise. i am reminded of a saying at this point. i dunno who said this but it is a personal favourite of mine.

"how far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong because someday in life you will have been all of these."

tolerance calls for us to see beyond the act, accept and appreciate whatever has taken place and live in harmony with the world. somehow it is easier to tolerate strangers. when it comes to tolerating loved ones, we always have a problem. is it because it does not matter one way or the other when we are dealing with strangers? why cant we have the same amount of tolerance with our children, our spouses, our parents, our friends and associates? is it a case where we take loved ones for granted and expect them to behave in a particular manner? where is our sense of respect? tolerance comes from respect!

Eric Hoffer says this very beautifully.

"The capacity for getting along with our neighbor depends to a large extent on the capacity for getting along with ourselves. The self-respecting individual will try to be as tolerant of his neighbor's shortcomings as he is of his own."

it is not just relationships that require tolerance. cultures, religions, beliefs and dogmas will thrive with sensitivity and acceptance and tolerance from human beings. how is it that my belief becomes more powerful than that of my friend's? and due to intolerance there is a disagreement between the both of us. why cant we just accept and appreciate it? tolerance comes from acceptance and appreciation!

my swamiji says, whatever you do, wherever you are, with whatever persons, places or thoughts you interact- in everything the same Atma, the same atmic experience, the same sublimation should be felt. Sukha (joy) and Dukha (misery) are both expressions of the self. as you are at home with Sukha, so should you be at home with Dukha. The idea is to sublimate the bitterness of the mind in facing an unpleasant situation so as the love for pleasant interactions. Sukha and Dukha are the final subjective outcome of all interactions in our life. As are laughter and smile beautiful expressions of the Self, so are the tears and grief too. when will you have this samatva? (the ability to see both in the same manner)

Basically if we have the dispassion to treat both joy and misery in the same manner, we would be able to tolerate people, places and events. If we can tolerate the good that brings joy, cant we then tolerate the bad too that brings about misery? If only we understand that it is the same very mind that produces both joy and sorrow. tolerance comes from dispassion!

at home, at the work place, at the market; in short all our interactions in the world depend on tolerance. on how well we tolerate people, places and event.

Rene Dubos said Human diversity makes tolerance more than a virtue; it makes it a requirement for survival.
tolerance is a quality that everyone should imbibe to ensure the smooth running of your life. the moment one party feels the 'why should i tolerate you?' feeling, that is when unpleasantness occur. rifts in relationships and marriages often happen due to lack of tolerance. then again i always think that if the other party really meant something to you and if you have that dispassion, that respect, that appreciation and that acceptance, wont you just tolerate? wont you just live and let live? wont you just compromise? tolerance comes from compromise!

tolerance has ended up being a much bigger word than i expected. we live in a multi racial, multi faceted society. we all have our own quirks. joey has this stubborn streak that would put even mules to shame. suguna has no sense of timing. sean has this sugary sweet irritating ways. letz has a temper of a tyrant and the jealousy of a green goblin. ram has the ability of making everyone else seem imperfect. the list can go on and on.my quirks are endless too but at the end of the day, i have to learn to live in harmony with all of them. it can only be through tolerance. tolerance is a big word indeed!

the shraddha-full mind

we are trying to figure out what shraddha is. it is a topic so close to my heart that a day doesnt pass without me thinking if i have enough of it.

i grew up hearing this word often enough from my parents. and at that time my understanding of the word was in its basic and common meaning. my mother tongue is malayalam and this word 'shraddha' means putting your attention to whatever you are doing. mom used to say, do it with shraddha and you will not make mistakes. after so many years, i find the word staring me in the face yet again and this time in its true sanskrit form and honestly i didnt think it would have so much profundity.

my swamiji quotes the Gita when he speaks of shraddha saying that it is a man with shraddha who attains jnana. for the uninitiated, jnana actually means knowledge, wisdom or even self realisation. the Gita equals an attentive mind to a knowledgable one. the Gita says, if man has his senses under control and exercises shraddha in all that he does, he would be able to attain jnana. swamiji goes a step further by saying that not only do you need to keep your senses under control, you also need to find joy in everything that you are doing be it a small job or the most serious one. he says if you do not find joy in everything that you do it means that you do not have shraddha. and if you dont have enough shraddha, you are not giving enough importance to jnana. makes sense?

we were discussing this matter in our satsang on sunday and sugi actually made a very pertinent statement. she said maybe shraddha is all about being NOW! being in the present moment! and yes, it is. how can you have shraddha if you are not in the present moment? krish gave us an example of how a student went up to his zen sifu asking to be elevated to the sifu status. the sifu just asked him one question and the student was baffled. the sifu asked him, when you came into my room on which side of the door did you leave your foot wear? the student had to think a moment and contemplate whether it was the right or the left. it straightaway goes to show that the student did not have enough shraddha. he was not in the present moment.

shraddha is so important in every aspect of our everyday life. it is more often the little details that make you stand out as having shraddha. a neat and tidy person can come across as boring and unexciting but the shraddha that the person has towards being all that speaks volumes about the person that he/she is. we are all shraddha-full in our own little ways. i call it selective shraddha. uncle avg in our centre thrives on getting us the best bananas for breakfast. ram is so shraddha-full of the flowers and the way we offer those petals to swamiji. joey has this no compromise shraddha when it comes to anything and everything with regards to swamiji. letz is irritatingly tidy, methodical and very neat with his appearance, his work and the way he speaks. thats his selective shraddha.

my shraddha for details irritates everyone. i might not put the light off when i leave a room or even lock the door when i leave but i will know if the furniture is not in a straight line or if my bathroom is not the way i want it to be. little things like giving and receiving a firm handshake would tell me volumes about the person on the other end. similarly my shraddha for looking a person in the eye when talking! they are little details but they are my selective shraddhas. words spoken is another area where shraddha is so important. more often than not, it is not so much what you say that is important; it is how you say it. i never used to give this area much of an attention as i was always a very direct and matter of fact person. i still am very direct and matter of fact but i am learning to put more shraddha into the way words are delivered because it makes such a big difference to the person hearing it.

shraddha, thank god, can be developed! so lets get going people. lets not be selective anymore. lets have more shraddha and lets develop it in every aspect of our life.

my swamiji says, shraddha is to be cultivated with a view to discover one's own disharmonies, distractions, slips and inattentions and to remove them outright. So, everyday, every moment from now on, i want you to do whatever is to be done, joyfully and lovingly. do whatever is necessary, and do it well!

we have the cue, wait no more!

the desireless mind

desire can be defined as a strong wish or craving. however, desire would come out sounding different in different situations. for example, in the economic point of view, it would be classified as a want. in your anxious mission to amass wealth, power and name it might even be called greed. desiring something in the sexual sense or an intense craving for sexual gratification will be classified being lusty. meanwhile, a desire to convert a thought to an action will be called a motivation.

our entire existence revolves around desires. from the time we wake up till the point we sleep we have some desires or the other. the classical view is that human beings aim to be productive, happy, secure and liberated in their lifetime. (in hinduism it is often referred to as dharma, artha, kaama and moksha) basically in one lifetime a human being would have done his fair share of the first 3 aims. liberation is something everyone seeks for at the end eventually! but at the end of the day the main desire for a human being is to be happy. everything is done with the aim to be happy.

it starts from the very beginning when the little baby cries for its milk when it is hungry. the moment its hunger has been appeased, it stops crying and the baby is happy. it goes goo goo gaa gaa and is ready to take on the world. this goes on and on till the child is an adult. i will be happy only when i get my bungalow or my 7 series beemer. of course once the adult gets his high powered car, he is happy for awhile. even in this transient happiness, there is a sense of agitation because his happiness is so dependant on some external factor. what if he loses his possession? wont he then lose his happiness too? then what?

as long as there is unfulfilled desires, the mind will be in agitation. and when the desires are fulfilled, there is happiness but there is also a sense of anxiety as to the possibility of loss. the mind yo yo s between being temporarily happy and agitated at the thought of loss of possession. the mind goes through an endless cycle of agitation, happiness and anxiety and this is a vicious cycle with indeed no end in sight. This creates undue worry and tension and can lead to sickness and premature death.

i hear my lady friends lamenting, i desire to wear all my diamonds and gold but i cant wear them as i may lose them to the robbers. hmmm...i have guy friends who say to me, i just want to be able to date 'her' once and i will be happy. but does it stop there? after one date, the desire is for one kiss and the list is endless. what next? letz said to me, my kids have to get maximum number of 'As' in their examinations, only then i would be happy. while desire is the very basis motivating you to do everything in your life, it does not need to be so!

my swamiji says,

Any kind of desire causes disturbance and it is also impure. Think on the basis: "I am the Self and the Self is blissful. Blissful as I am, I don't have to seek any further blissfulness. So, any kind of desire to add anything, is intrinsically wrong and it is contradictory to the concept of the blissful Self that I am."

We are all living in this world. Our birth is not a result of our desire. It has taken place. We are not going to die either, because of our desire. As we grow, small desires start cropping up in our mind and these become bigger and deeper as the age advances. Life itself is the duration between an undesired birth and undesired death. In between these two, why should desire intervene at all?

much as i undersand what my swamiji says i also know how difficult it is to be desire free. i want to eat my vegetarian char koay teow tomorrow. part of my little desire of course. once i am done with that i want a little pampering in that new spa in town. maybe a manicure, maybe a pedicure. who knows i might even get lucky at the races tomorrow. but you know what? I could have the entire experience in my head. act it all out and get the very similar enjoyment. In fact it might even be better because in my experience i would only imagine the most perfect scenario. might not be the best method but what the heck, it works!

lets get one thing straight here. we dont need desires to make us tick. we have this potential energy in us that is capable of making us do things. lets understand that and not be blinded by desires. Realise that desires only make us miserable!

the learning mind

Last Sunday, Joey and i were having this animated conversation about some important issues in our centre and she would at every pause prompt me to complete the sentence or do a , are you thinking what i'm thinking bit! In the end of it all i had to relent and tell her to give me the whole story because we basically didnt think alike. i was guessing dog when she actually meant cat and she would mean frog when i would think prince. the long and short of it is that we attach too many meanings to simple situations. we doubt people's sincerity. we question people's generosity. our excuse is that experience has taught us to be wary. people, places and events have made us what we are today and the learning continues day in day out.

it is said that even the wisest among us have much to learn and learning is a continuous process. if you look at it we learn something almost every minute. nature teaches us to be humble, teaches us to be respectful and it also teaches us to be patient. the rising, the setting and the rising again of the sun teaches us to be hopeful. the birds rebuilding their nests after a storm teaches us resilience and the way the ants rally behind each other in support teaches us togetherness and harmony. every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every week, every month, every year is a learning process. there is much to be learned from everyday interactions. there is much to be learned from the birds and the bees and the flowers and the mountains.

Kahlil Gibran cites the example of the bees and the flowers when he talks when distinguishing good and bad pleasure. He says, 'go to your fields and your gardens and you shall learn that it is the pleasure of the bee to gather honey of the flower, but it is also the pleasure of the flower to yield its honey to the bee. For to the bee, a flower is a fountain of life and to the flower; a bee is the messenger of love. And to both bee and flower, the giving and the receiving of pleasure is a need and an ecstasy.' Its such an insight into the human relationship making it absolutely beautiful and meaningful to both parties involved. At which point do you cry rape? Has circumstances and the harshness of human civilization brought an end to this beautiful illustration?

Similarly, there is much to be learned from little children too. An average four year old would laugh out loud and wholeheartedly at least three hundred times a day where else an adult would probably clock about fifteen times in a day. Now do you blame the rising blood pressure, the flying tempers, the bickering and the impatience? Laughter is literally medicine for the soul and if we could only emulate the little children and not take things so seriously, not read between the lines so much, not distrust so much, not hate so much, not be suspicious so much and learn to be childlike in all our dealings as much as we can. i have learned that as long as i am laughing i can never be that sad or that disillusioned by anything that is happening in the world. joey and i spend a lot of time laughing. my friend sue makes me laugh even in the most critical of times. letz has an excellent sense of humour while sean and ukie can giggle like little school boys.

then again this learning process is only applicable to those who wish to learn. one can have the most qualified of teachers and the best of schools but if the student himself decides that he does not want to learn then there is nothing that you can do about it. i am talking about structured learning as in education in schools and colleges. even otherwise, if you know that you need to improve yourself but refuse to do so it could be courting trouble.

Robin Sharma in his The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari speaks of people who claim they have no time to learn or to improve themselves even when they know that what they are doing is highly stressful and doing them no good. He says, saying you have no time to improve yourself, mentally or spiritually, is much like saying you do not have time to stop for gas because you are too busy driving. Eventually it will catch up with you!' He says that taking time off from your hectic schedule for self improvement and personal enrichment will not only improve your effectiveness but also you will emerge feeling far better and empowered.

Swamiji says that the mind can grow only by a mental process. A mental process by which you must feel for the improvement and you must get attuned to the improvement. You must reflect: 'It is not enough that i remain like this. These traits are making my mind black. I must make my mind pure. I dont want an impure mind.' He says, this kind of self revolt must be there in everyone without any irritation or frustration. Basically Swamiji is talking about the quest to continuously learn and to improve ourselves every minute, every day!

Swamiji talks about spending mind hours, 12 mind hours to be specific, on each quality that you wish to learn and to imbibe. Robin Sharma says doing something continuously for 21 days would make it a habit.

lets continue to learn and to improve ourselves, making us better not bitter people. lets learn to treat people with kindness, learn to smile like you really mean it, learn to laugh out loud with all your heart and soul, learn to forgive and forget, learn to live like it is your last day on earth, learn to make ammends, learn to love everyone around you, learn to be appreciative of and grateful for the simple pleasures in life, learn to treat people with respect, learn to slow down and take time to smell the roses, learn to see the good in others and learn to look inward for crucial answers. ultimately happiness lies within us and only we ourselves can unearth that through the learning process.

Joey, you and i might not think alike but we surely do enjoy the good laughs that we share. may we be totally contagious!