the parenting mind

half a year has gone by so swiftly and for someone like me who has a memory of a sieve, it appears as too swift for its own good as i can still remember what i did on new year's eve. similarly, my boys have grown too, right before me. i cud swear my older boy was still shorter than me end of last year. children grow up so fast...just like the passing half year. my 14 year old has become taller than me and his father and my 12 year old is not too far behind. just seems like yesterday when i was carrying them all bundled up in nice blue flannel blankets, they wailing away and i, wishing they came out with a set of instructions.

i have been a mom for 14 years now and i still dont know if i am doing the right thing with them. and i suppose i will never know as there is no such thing as the right thing or the wrong thing when it comes to parenting. we only do what we think is best for our kids and most of the time it is the maternal instincts that just take over for good measure. the only thing i know is that i am doing my best for them and i hope and pray every night that they both turn out alright, be in good health, become responsible citizens of the world and be good human beings.

however, in this man eat man world it is extremely competitive and parents today are guilty of dragging their children into it sooner than their time. children today are exposed to so many things that are both good and bad making them grow up instantaneously. parents often bribe their children with gifts rather than their time. children are also fed with the competitive spirit right from a young age making them opportunists and also a tad selfish at times. abundance has made children a little ungrateful and somehow to have a lackadaisical attitude towards possessions however expensive they may be.

somehow one can never blame the children fully because at the end of the day they are children and even the law protects them. it is up to we parents to instill in them good values, good morals
and filial piety. having said that we are guilty of yet another 'crime'. in our overzealousness to make them smart and clever and as good as so and so's son or daughter we tend to suffocate them and make them fit into a mould that they might not fit in. we impose our values and our belief systems and our code of ethics.
Kahlil Gibran says this about children and i have to quote this as it is so beautiful:

Your children are not your children
They are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you
You may give them your love but not your thoughts
For they have their own thoughts
You may house their bodies but not their souls
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

it is so true as children have a mind of their own and left to their own devices, their personality just comes shining through. in my anxiousness to protect my boys i have fought their battles, spoon fed them, done their home work, guarded them like a hawk and even stifled their space. but i have learned to let go. to let them be their own person without them emulating me or their father. i have learned to have no expectations from them even though this is a very very difficult task. i am unfortunately still learning! i am learning never to compare my boys with each other as they are both unique in their own special ways. i am learning to trust their judgement and be dispassionate about the results as they have to make their mistakes their own way.

my swamiji says, do not insist on your children to do as you wish. Your rigidity will be harmful for them. With age and maturity the children should be allowed to act as they think best and benefit by it. If they make mistakes, they should be allowed to try again and learn from their actions. Having undue expectations from your children will only bring suffering. Cut your coat according to the cloth available. Want and desire only to the extent possible in the given situation. Understand the potential of your children and use your reasoning to keep away excess thoughts or wishes. Lovingly accept them as they are. You cannot wish for a change; that is impossible. The sun will not become cold and ice will not be hot either. As a confession or warning, you may share what you feel with your children. Not more than that.

the inability to let go of one's children is the biggest obstacle for many parents. my parents still treat me like a baby, imposing their views and beliefs on me. may i learn to rise above it all and realise that all worldly relations and whatever i possess in this world will after all be left behind and that there is nothing i can possess or take with me. may i have Swamiji's grace to show me the way!