the parenting mind

half a year has gone by so swiftly and for someone like me who has a memory of a sieve, it appears as too swift for its own good as i can still remember what i did on new year's eve. similarly, my boys have grown too, right before me. i cud swear my older boy was still shorter than me end of last year. children grow up so fast...just like the passing half year. my 14 year old has become taller than me and his father and my 12 year old is not too far behind. just seems like yesterday when i was carrying them all bundled up in nice blue flannel blankets, they wailing away and i, wishing they came out with a set of instructions.

i have been a mom for 14 years now and i still dont know if i am doing the right thing with them. and i suppose i will never know as there is no such thing as the right thing or the wrong thing when it comes to parenting. we only do what we think is best for our kids and most of the time it is the maternal instincts that just take over for good measure. the only thing i know is that i am doing my best for them and i hope and pray every night that they both turn out alright, be in good health, become responsible citizens of the world and be good human beings.

however, in this man eat man world it is extremely competitive and parents today are guilty of dragging their children into it sooner than their time. children today are exposed to so many things that are both good and bad making them grow up instantaneously. parents often bribe their children with gifts rather than their time. children are also fed with the competitive spirit right from a young age making them opportunists and also a tad selfish at times. abundance has made children a little ungrateful and somehow to have a lackadaisical attitude towards possessions however expensive they may be.

somehow one can never blame the children fully because at the end of the day they are children and even the law protects them. it is up to we parents to instill in them good values, good morals
and filial piety. having said that we are guilty of yet another 'crime'. in our overzealousness to make them smart and clever and as good as so and so's son or daughter we tend to suffocate them and make them fit into a mould that they might not fit in. we impose our values and our belief systems and our code of ethics.
Kahlil Gibran says this about children and i have to quote this as it is so beautiful:

Your children are not your children
They are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you
You may give them your love but not your thoughts
For they have their own thoughts
You may house their bodies but not their souls
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

it is so true as children have a mind of their own and left to their own devices, their personality just comes shining through. in my anxiousness to protect my boys i have fought their battles, spoon fed them, done their home work, guarded them like a hawk and even stifled their space. but i have learned to let go. to let them be their own person without them emulating me or their father. i have learned to have no expectations from them even though this is a very very difficult task. i am unfortunately still learning! i am learning never to compare my boys with each other as they are both unique in their own special ways. i am learning to trust their judgement and be dispassionate about the results as they have to make their mistakes their own way.

my swamiji says, do not insist on your children to do as you wish. Your rigidity will be harmful for them. With age and maturity the children should be allowed to act as they think best and benefit by it. If they make mistakes, they should be allowed to try again and learn from their actions. Having undue expectations from your children will only bring suffering. Cut your coat according to the cloth available. Want and desire only to the extent possible in the given situation. Understand the potential of your children and use your reasoning to keep away excess thoughts or wishes. Lovingly accept them as they are. You cannot wish for a change; that is impossible. The sun will not become cold and ice will not be hot either. As a confession or warning, you may share what you feel with your children. Not more than that.

the inability to let go of one's children is the biggest obstacle for many parents. my parents still treat me like a baby, imposing their views and beliefs on me. may i learn to rise above it all and realise that all worldly relations and whatever i possess in this world will after all be left behind and that there is nothing i can possess or take with me. may i have Swamiji's grace to show me the way!

the marrying mind

i celebrated my 20th wedding anniversary today; the 25th june. at an age where couples hardly cross 2 years, i think my 20 years is a big achievement.
so much has been said about marriages but i dont think anything comes close to what Kahlil Gibran said in The Prophet
'you were born together and together you shall be for evermore
you shall be together even in the silent memory of God
but let there be spaces in your togetherness
and let the winds of heavens dance between you.

love one another but make not a bond of love
let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
fill each other's cups but drink not from one cup
give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf

sing and dance together and be joyous but let each one of you be alone.
stand together yet not too near together
for the pillars of the temple stand apart
and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
-Kahlil Gibran-
I personally think no one has described the human relationship in a marriage better than this. How many can profess to have a relationship like this in these times? today there is so much of discord and problems among married couples and more often than not marriages do not last. trivial things can lead to divorce among couples. men and women are both independent and hold good jobs making them financially stable and very rarely do couples compromise and stay back in the marriage for financial security. there is no sanctity in the institution of marriage anymore making it a contract just like pie crusts; made to be broken.

having said that, there is nothing more painful than to see a marriage fail. over the years i have witnessed friends giving up on their marriages and i have often wondered if thats all the years between them meant. but only they would know the problems that they have gone through and it would be absolutely unfair on my part to comment on whose fault it is.

on my part i feel that the most important aspect of a marriage is the very big 'C' word...COMPROMISE! my husband and i have had our share of fights but i guess we have known when and where to compromise and settle our differences. i suppose if there is plenty of love between the couple and the will to stay married no matter what, the couple will work hard to keep the institution going. believe me it is a lot of hard work; because it is a very thin line between love and hate.

my Swamiji says do not dwell upon the discrepancies and maladjustments with your married partner. In love between partners, every excess is excused; every lack is condoned. After all, for everyone the world is a square peg in a round hole. Even though one has a choice as to whom he or she is marrying, there is limitation on all sides. As long as life has to be lived, it has to be lived well. One should be able to live well with the partner. Have love for each other. There are instances of incompatible alliances, but the husband still lives with the wife. If either is not able to live well with the other, there is an inadequacy in him or her.

every marriage should have a large helping of kahlil gibran and an overdose of Swamiji and i am sure we will have majority couples celebrating golden anniversaries. i m grateful for the twenty years with my husband and i pray for many many more happy years ahead. for all of you out there who have been married for as long as i have been, or more than me or a little less than me may you all find happiness in your marriage and dont forget to inculcate a kahlil gibran and swamiji into your marriages. happy anniversary husband!

the grateful mind

i feel compelled to apologise for the delay in posting this blog. nothing i say is going to make much sense to all of you wonderful people who keep reading my postings; rather it may sound like lame excuses. so i am going to take the easy way out and just say sorry...

my holiday was a great success story; meaning i am grateful that the flights were on time, my luggages didnt get lost, all of us got to and from the destinations in one piece and in good health, my bags were not opened by the Australian customs and hence avoiding further delays whatsoever. I am also very grateful that the weather in Perth was very accommodating, good friends to take us places and extremely friendly people making our stay a memorable one.

my one week in Perth however taught me many other things that i have to be grateful about and that is my own land, Malaysia. it is so true that one can appreciate one's own land only when there is a comparison and i kept comparing Perth to Kuala Lumpur at every opportunity and the more i compared, the more grateful i became that i live where i do, the bounty that our land has to offer and the rich culture and heritage of our land kept surfacing in my mind more and more.

as usual it wasnt the big things that bothered me but the little things like how the Aussies start drinking alcohol from 10 in the morning, how the shops close at 5 in the evening, how nothing works in the weekends, how kids and teenagers dress weird but think they look cool, how porn and sex is so freely available, how the exchange rate to our currency is absolutely ridiculous. (unfortunately it is of no fault of theirs) when i went to my cousin's house there i kept remembering my own home and how my trustworthy indonesian'kakak' keeps my house spotlessly clean and has a warm meal waiting for us at any time we require one. my cousin unfortunately has to rely on a part time lady who comes once a week and charges a bomb.


having said that, i have to add that i am grateful that i made that trip because Perth has so much to teach us too. the way they take conservation and going green so seriously made me take a step back and seriously re think the way i have been dealing with recycling and mother earth. Australia takes a serious view on landfills and land mines and goes all out in its effort to combat global warming. their views on plastics, not abusing mother earth, their town planning are all very commendable. the city is also absolutely clean and the public toilets a delight to any tourist. the public transport efficient and the people of the land courteous and polite.

like every other thing on this earth, we have our pluses and our minuses. lets be grateful for the pluses and doubly gratified for being able to see the minuses so that we can be grateful for the pluses!

My swamiji always says; to overcome the mind's characteristic delusions, treat it in the factory of devotion and gratefulness through reading, through utterances, through favourable associations, through hope, through clarity and through optimism.

i for one am grateful for my association with my Gurudev, grateful for the wonderful family i am born into and the beautiful family i have gone into, grateful for all the excellent people out there who have made such an impact on my life and love me for who i am, grateful for all the people who have crossed my path and taught me life's important lessons, grateful for the shopping malls that go on being open till i tire of them, grateful for my indonesian kakak who makes my life easier, grateful for my trusty four wheels that takes me places, grateful for the air i breathe and most importantly grateful to be alive, in good health, and being able to smile every morning to yet another cheery day. May i continue to be grateful for all that comes to me and may i always remember that the one who allows the storms into my life also brings in the rainbows.

Take a moment today and list down ten things you are grateful for. I bet once you start listing them, the list would be endless. We have plenty to be grateful for; believe me!